I'm looking at the wall.

I am 17 years old and I have taken a sick day. Truth be told, I’m not that sick. I could definitely have muscled though it and gone to school. But, I didn’t. I stayed home. My brother is at school. My parents are at work. And I am alone. At home. It’s around 11 in the morning.  The Today Show is over and The Price is Right (circa Bob Barker and bad wooden dinette sets) is about to come on. I run up to the kitchen for a snack and notice the sun pattern on the hardwoods. I stop. I realize that I can’t remember if I have ever seen 11a.m. weekday sunbeams in the house:

“Look at how motionless everything is; see how the light comes through the drapes like that?”

 I feel excited to be still and watching the living room.

 I think to myself, “When will I see these sunbeams again?”

I feel exhilaration and vindication.

I am justified in being home. How could I have witnessed that moment of stillness if I had been in Mr. DeFeo’s English class?

15 years later, sitting quietly poses a challenge. I am almost always doing something. I am moving. I am chasing my children. Reading a book. Folding laundry. Making dinner. Typing an email. Teaching a class. Going to a class. Going for a walk. Coordinating pickups and drop offs. Breaking up sibling arguments. You get the point. And, if you are a quasi normal human being, you are likely doing the same.

You are busy. Life is busy.

Once, one of my mommy girlfriends shared a secret with me: “Sometimes, when the baby is napping and I have a moment to myself,” she said with a smile, “I sit on the couch and stare at the wall.”

“Ha!” I said, “I do the same thing.”

Of course, this kind of typically guilt ridden quality quiet time has been something I have enjoyed since pre-mommy days. I find that the guilt doesn’t rise up if I am caught up on everything I am supposed to be doing (yeah, right). Guilt makes an appearance as I am carving out silent doing nothing time when, in actuality, I have seven zillion things I should be doing.

And, what’s worse, I am reachable (and therefore accountable) 100% of the time. Information is pouring in in endless ways-like a stock ticker in my brain. Even when I am trying to shut down and breathe, the information is present and, therefore, pulling and nagging at my consciousness. My text alerts are beeping while my email is refreshing as my facebook notifications are scrolling and my tweets are tweeting. And, for me, it’s like the call of a Siren. Goddamnit, try as I might, I can’t turn my back to it.

So, even when I am trying hard to succeed at doing nothing, I am doing something.

In a recent Sunday Times business section article, Phyllis Korkki reasons, “More devices can lead to more multitasking, which, though viewed by many as a virtue, has been shown to interfere with concentration. More devices also harbor more vortexes of distraction, like Facebook, shopping sites and cute animal videos.”

I mean, seriously, how many of us even just watch TV anymore? My husband and I bounce back and forth between conversation and the show on the tube and the updates on our Iphones. Have you seen the new TVs (or do you have one) with the Facebook and Twitter applications? Or is your TV linked directly to your computer? You’re watching. You’re checking. You’re reading.

We are never really alone. Our brains are never truly quiet. And, of course, I feel guilty about that.

This year, I resolve to carve out some time for guilt- free- 11a.m.- sun- drenched- motionless relaxation.

After all, it’s not doing nothing if doing nothing is what you are doing.