The Convertible

I’ve never ridden in a convertible before. But, I have been to a planetarium. Don’t see the connection? Let me explain.

My parents took me to a planetarium once where the ceiling itself seemed to peel back and reveal so many tiny points of light. I remember feeling small in the big gray seats and unsure of the steepness of the aisles. The theater itself seemed to rotate as a canned voice narrated the story of the Big Dipper. Of a meteor shower.  A comet. The moon.

I liked the reveal. That moment of clarity when I understood what I was about to see.

That’s why I think I might like to ride in a convertible. Because sometimes I think that my actual head might be able to open up and show me the answers. Show me what to chose.

So, there’s the speed factor, right? That image of racing down some quiet road, wrapped in a black interior and, with the press of a button, the roof opens and displays the sky. It’s sexy.

I get that feeling when I go for a good run or a long walk. I’ll find myself staring at the ground and letting my mind wander when I realize: I’m out! I’m alone!

And I will look around. I will look up.

And when I raise my head and take a breath I can most often count on a few moments of clarity when I realize that I am steering the ship. That I am at the helm.

In the chaos that is my life-that is all of our lives, really-sometimes I need to remember to look up and take a breath.

Back to the convertible.

So, I’m riding along and my hair is everywhere and I feel clean and free and I am racing under a sky and I look up and I see how I compare to the largeness of it all.

And that clicks it in to place for me. It gives me permission to take a risk. Or take some time to retreat. Or to read. Or to think.

In my convertible moments, when my mind clears and I can look forward, I make decisions. I make them quickly. And I try not to look back and wonder what would have happened had I chosen another road.

Because, you see, there are more choices ahead and I get to make them. I get to shape my life.

I took a little break from blogging because I have been exploring other things in my life that I love to do. I’ve made some new friends with whom I love to play music. I’ve worked on some initiatives in my community. And, it has lit my fire again. But, sometimes, for me, that fire feels uncomfortable. I get so driven-so focused-that I want everything to happen right now.

Right. NOW.

I want to go back to work. I want to write. I want to do a few other things that I think I need to do to feel full. (You have one of those lists, right? Maybe not written out, but in your head. A bucket list. Some goals. That’s what I’m talking about here).

I had a birthday recently and though I’m certainly not old, I’m also no longer starting out in anything. I know what’s going on.

I know how to mother.

To be a friend.

To be a professional.

My birthday made me very aware of time. I’m not going to waste it anymore; instead, I’m going to take it. I’m going to get in the convertible and press the button and look at the sky.

I am not being reckless.

But, I am looking up. Looking ahead.

I’ll let you know what I see.